an ode to the two-ply

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Tissue paper is like success — it’s mandatory.

Or here’s another way to look at it:
The absence of tissue paper = the presence of failure.
I nearly had a cardiac arrest when I found out from a cohort that men, in 2015, invite Damsels over their quarters for courtship with NO tissue paper in the house!
It is IMPERATIVE that men have a bountiful stock of tissue paper available for her comfort and protection. Catch a damsel on a good day, and she’ll ex you off of her prospect list if her hind parts wasn’t properly accommodated.
After all, women have a lot of operations to maintain their beauty and most of those things involve tissue paper consumption.
Any man who has a stack of Quiznos or Chipotle napkins on the back of his toilet in place of benevolent tissue paper should be ashamed of calling himself a man. Insult to injury, these aren’t even the good napkins like the ones you find at a summer BBQ. These are the brown, watered down recycled napkins — which are probably equally as effective as using the old school Happy Meal boxes to make a clean sweep.
And so you ask — what is a good amount of tissue paper to have on hand?
Have at least 7 rolls on deck.
That’s a healthy inventory for at least one evening of wooing.
I should know.
I spent most of my early childhood years with three women in the house.
Do you know how long Tissue Paper lasted in my home?
11 seconds.
And not the roll, I’m talking about the entire package.
Go and Get a Major Edge on your paper products:
They’re not too plush to buy
They’re too clutch to shy
This is an ode to the two-ply
~Charles Kellam

Pretty Girls Poop — an excerpt from “The Book of G.A.M.E.”

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Chapter 5: Pretty Girls Poop

A WOMAN’S TRUE COLORS—FIFTY SHADES OF BROWN

A pretty girl may never show her true colors, especially when she first starts courting someone. A woman’s bowels in my opinion, are the most resilient force on the planet. If a lady is seeing 
someone who she deems special, she’ll hold her numero dos for over a year. The instant that a man leaves the house for any reason, the damsel will blitz the bathroom like a linebacker to a pass play. 

(This chapter reminds men that regardless of the amount of beauty a damsel possesses, she is still a human being — so she need not be feared. This will enhance confidence — minimize rejection — and make the world a better venue.)

Charles Kellam
The Book of G.A.M.E. (Getting a Major Edge)

Available on Amazon

Pretty Girls Poop

The Good Hairline Years

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Human Mannequein

I feel like I wasted my last good hairline years on my ex~

I remember the days when I had a dark, crispy, robust hairline that would slice one deeply if they ran their finger across it at the wrong angle. I remember it went straight across my forehead like a crew neck t-shirt; now it’s more like a v-neck.

Yet with a combination of Time, Bad Relationships, stress, and DNA, it’s not as vigorous anymore. But it doesn’t concern me. My handsome starts from within.

Ladies, you may find the same to be true in your life. You spend countless months, years, and decades with men who relentlessly consume your “Good Hairline Years.” Maybe your hair used to fall and land at the bottom of your back, and now it struggles to barely land at the bottom of your neck. Perhaps the thick, course, beautiful hair that used to drive you crazy because it was hard to manage is now thinner than it used to be…and you want it back. But knowing that you can’t get it back (naturally) drives you even crazier. Stupid Crazy, as you realize that life happens.

Yes, it does.

But this reinforces our human state, and that also, time is the most valuable resource. It’s the ONLY thing in life, other than life itself, that you cannot get back. Treat it as such.

The Good Hairline Years might be a metaphor for an even deeper emotional and spiritual urgency. Maybe you want kids, and he doesn’t. Maybe you spend too much time in the house because you’re scared to death to go out and enjoy your life after watching the news. The news is the devil. Maybe you’ve been using that Wells Fargo teller position as a “Stepping Stone” and realized that 12 years has passed by………….meanwhile, your passion to become an interior decorator has been put on the back burner. Not even on the back burner, on the foreman grill in the closet. Maybe you’re with a man, just to maintain the perception of “being with someone” and have a warm bed to enter. Meanwhile, happiness does not exist in you.

Or maybe, just maybe you lead the perfect life, have the perfect hairline, and have no need for the Book of G.A.M.E.

Or, maybe not.

Female or male, you need to understand that your beauty starts from within. Identify that and let it resonate outward. NEVER let time pass with any person, thing, or opportunity that’s not good for you.

Don’t waste your Good Hairline Years on anyone.

June 27th, 2013. ~ The Book of G.A.M.E. available at a book store near you