an ode to the two-ply

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Tissue paper is like success — it’s mandatory.

Or here’s another way to look at it:
The absence of tissue paper = the presence of failure.
I nearly had a cardiac arrest when I found out from a cohort that men, in 2015, invite Damsels over their quarters for courtship with NO tissue paper in the house!
It is IMPERATIVE that men have a bountiful stock of tissue paper available for her comfort and protection. Catch a damsel on a good day, and she’ll ex you off of her prospect list if her hind parts wasn’t properly accommodated.
After all, women have a lot of operations to maintain their beauty and most of those things involve tissue paper consumption.
Any man who has a stack of Quiznos or Chipotle napkins on the back of his toilet in place of benevolent tissue paper should be ashamed of calling himself a man. Insult to injury, these aren’t even the good napkins like the ones you find at a summer BBQ. These are the brown, watered down recycled napkins — which are probably equally as effective as using the old school Happy Meal boxes to make a clean sweep.
And so you ask — what is a good amount of tissue paper to have on hand?
Have at least 7 rolls on deck.
That’s a healthy inventory for at least one evening of wooing.
I should know.
I spent most of my early childhood years with three women in the house.
Do you know how long Tissue Paper lasted in my home?
11 seconds.
And not the roll, I’m talking about the entire package.
Go and Get a Major Edge on your paper products:
They’re not too plush to buy
They’re too clutch to shy
This is an ode to the two-ply
~Charles Kellam

New Look | Same Great Taste

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The One That Got AwayI sat and pondered about this post while sipping from a coke can that read the words “Dreamer” along the side of it. A lot has happened since the last time we met. I published The Book of G.A.M.E. (Getting a Major Edge) in January 2014 — which has done quite well by the way and I thank every and each one of you for the sales and support. Yes, I said “every and each.” I also experienced Africa for the first time, and then a second — traveled across the globe and proposed to the most gorgeous woman in the world — spoke to some kids — stood on a few stages to a few groups of strangers and told some stories that elicited laughter — travelled some more — and of course, bought a few new suits and hats along the way. Needless to say, time has gotten away from me. And time, whether you’re having fun or not, flies, doesn’t it? So…you might as well enjoy it. You owe it to yourself.

Life has been more than a blessing and I’ve been enjoying every second! A dear friend and brother of mine inspired me to keep the blog alive, not so much for own benefit, but to pay the inspiration forward. I took some time to get my thoughts in order and realize that I come to you now as a better, more polished man. A man in love, first of all. A man who has seen some of God’s green earth’s most necessary sights with mere dollars in his checking account. A man with no tattoos on his spirit. A more vulnerable, giving man who is more polished, self-aware, fearless and unapologetic. A man who is funny sometimes — a man who is letting his beard grow in for the first time because She likes it. A man with the edge that he spent 6 painful years writing about before the book was published. I’m excited to bring this man to you on a regular basis. I’m all in.

Thank you for continuing to support me and please do share.

Anticipate me.

~CK

 

 

 

The Human Mannequin — an excerpt from “The Book of G.A.M.E.”

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Chapter 9: The Human Mannequin

DON’T THINK AS A MAN. THINK AS A MANNEQUIN.

You may recognize mannequins as pieces of fiberglass that pose in the mall. Pale skin and skinny calf muscles. Take the time to study them one day. I promise you, they’re so much more than that. Mannequins are the prototypes of style and fashion. They’re trendsetters. Mannequins are arrogant, and for good reason. They know they look great. Mannequins don’t speak much. But even if they did, they wouldn’t need to. They have silent presence—which is what you strive for.

(This chapter is a brief reinforcement to men that presentation is everything — how you present yourself will be the determinant factor of your professional and love lives)

Charles Kellam
The Book of G.A.M.E. (Getting a Major Edge)
Available on Amazon

The Human Mannequin

Pretty Girls Poop — an excerpt from “The Book of G.A.M.E.”

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Chapter 5: Pretty Girls Poop

A WOMAN’S TRUE COLORS—FIFTY SHADES OF BROWN

A pretty girl may never show her true colors, especially when she first starts courting someone. A woman’s bowels in my opinion, are the most resilient force on the planet. If a lady is seeing 
someone who she deems special, she’ll hold her numero dos for over a year. The instant that a man leaves the house for any reason, the damsel will blitz the bathroom like a linebacker to a pass play. 

(This chapter reminds men that regardless of the amount of beauty a damsel possesses, she is still a human being — so she need not be feared. This will enhance confidence — minimize rejection — and make the world a better venue.)

Charles Kellam
The Book of G.A.M.E. (Getting a Major Edge)

Available on Amazon

Pretty Girls Poop

Style – Chivalry – Grooming – Dating – Life – Love – Happiness – I cover it.

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Crop the person out of choice, and place yourself in the photo.

Get the edge.

No one deserves happiness more than you!

Purchase The Book of G.A.M.E. (Getting a Major Edge) on amazon today — and eliminate your problems.
Now available for the “Look inside the book” feature.

Twon's Wedding~

Get Happiness in only 196 pages~

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Get happiness in only 196 pages~

At last! The cure for anyone who has ever had relationship problems…

The Book of G.A.M.E. takes the game that has long been a household name – reinvents it, and makes it his own – G.A.M.E. is now an acronym for Getting a Major Edge. This is The Universal Handbook of Dating and Life that is just as relevant as it is effective. A self help/happiness/dating humor piece, it rebuilds men from scratch and gives damsels insight on what to expect from a man with edge. Covering the importance of fashion, confidence, chivalry, and many other overlooked blunders, the author, stand-up comedian, and humanitarian breaks the mold of what’s been done before and builds a much better one. Painfully honest, yet refreshing- the goods are here – with the author’s raw personal accounts spawned from travels, his entertainment career, and dating. The author is a polymath when it comes to dating & life and it shows through the pages. His fearless and avant-garde approach of courting will reshape relationships as we know it. This book is one of one. Quotes from The Book of G.A.M.E. include:
  • “A damsel judges a man in the first 2 seconds based on his shoes.”
  •  “There’s no cure for the insecure person”
  • “Everything you want to know about a damsel, you can learn from her feet.”

Tongue-in-cheek, raw, and inventive, Charles Kellam introduces a brand new way of thinking. His interactive voice will lure you in, entertain, and enlighten you. The Book of G.A.M.E. is also funny – a powerful and refreshing dating tool that will be a conversation piece for years to come.

The Good Hairline Years

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Human Mannequein

I feel like I wasted my last good hairline years on my ex~

I remember the days when I had a dark, crispy, robust hairline that would slice one deeply if they ran their finger across it at the wrong angle. I remember it went straight across my forehead like a crew neck t-shirt; now it’s more like a v-neck.

Yet with a combination of Time, Bad Relationships, stress, and DNA, it’s not as vigorous anymore. But it doesn’t concern me. My handsome starts from within.

Ladies, you may find the same to be true in your life. You spend countless months, years, and decades with men who relentlessly consume your “Good Hairline Years.” Maybe your hair used to fall and land at the bottom of your back, and now it struggles to barely land at the bottom of your neck. Perhaps the thick, course, beautiful hair that used to drive you crazy because it was hard to manage is now thinner than it used to be…and you want it back. But knowing that you can’t get it back (naturally) drives you even crazier. Stupid Crazy, as you realize that life happens.

Yes, it does.

But this reinforces our human state, and that also, time is the most valuable resource. It’s the ONLY thing in life, other than life itself, that you cannot get back. Treat it as such.

The Good Hairline Years might be a metaphor for an even deeper emotional and spiritual urgency. Maybe you want kids, and he doesn’t. Maybe you spend too much time in the house because you’re scared to death to go out and enjoy your life after watching the news. The news is the devil. Maybe you’ve been using that Wells Fargo teller position as a “Stepping Stone” and realized that 12 years has passed by………….meanwhile, your passion to become an interior decorator has been put on the back burner. Not even on the back burner, on the foreman grill in the closet. Maybe you’re with a man, just to maintain the perception of “being with someone” and have a warm bed to enter. Meanwhile, happiness does not exist in you.

Or maybe, just maybe you lead the perfect life, have the perfect hairline, and have no need for the Book of G.A.M.E.

Or, maybe not.

Female or male, you need to understand that your beauty starts from within. Identify that and let it resonate outward. NEVER let time pass with any person, thing, or opportunity that’s not good for you.

Don’t waste your Good Hairline Years on anyone.

June 27th, 2013. ~ The Book of G.A.M.E. available at a book store near you