an ode to the two-ply

Tissue paper is like success — it’s mandatory.

Or here’s another way to look at it:

The absence of tissue paper = the presence of failure.

I nearly had a cardiac arrest when I found out from a cohort that men, in 2015, invite Damsels over their quarters for courtship with NO tissue paper in the house!

It is IMPERATIVE that men have a bountiful stock of tissue paper available for her comfort and protection. Catch a damsel on a good day, and she’ll ex you off of her prospect list if her hind parts wasn’t properly accommodated.

After all, women have a lot of operations to maintain their beauty and most of those things involve tissue paper consumption.

Any man who has a stack of Quiznos or Chipotle napkins on the back of his toilet in place of benevolent tissue paper should be ashamed of calling himself a man. Insult to injury, these aren’t even the good napkins like the ones you find at a summer BBQ. These are the brown, watered down recycled napkins — which are probably equally as effective as using the old school Happy Meal boxes to make a clean sweep.

And so you ask — what is a good amount of tissue paper to have on hand?

Have at least 7 rolls on deck.

That’s a healthy inventory for at least one evening of wooing.

I should know.

I spent most of my early childhood years with three women in the house.

Do you know how long Tissue Paper lasted in my home?

11 seconds.

And not the roll, I’m talking about the entire package.

Go and Get a Major Edge on your paper products:

They’re not too plush to buy

They’re too clutch to shy

This is an ode to the two-ply

~Charles Kellam

New Look | Same Great Taste

 

I sat and pondered about this post while sipping from a coke can that read the words “Dreamer” along the side of it. A lot has happened since the last time we met. I published The Book of G.A.M.E. (Getting a Major Edge) in January 2014 — which has done quite well by the way and I thank every and each one of you for the sales and support. Yes, I said “every and each.” I also experienced Africa for the first time, and then a second — traveled across the globe and proposed to the most gorgeous woman in the world — spoke to some kids — stood on a few stages to a few groups of strangers and told some stories that elicited laughter — travelled some more — and of course, bought a few new suits and hats along the way. Needless to say, time has gotten away from me. And time, whether you’re having fun or not, flies, doesn’t it? So…you might as well enjoy it. You owe it to yourself.

Life has been more than a blessing and I’ve been enjoying every second! A dear friend and brother of mine inspired me to keep the blog alive, not so much for own benefit, but to pay the inspiration forward. I took some time to get my thoughts in order and realize that I come to you now as a better, more polished man. A man in love, first of all. A man who has seen some of God’s green earth’s most necessary sights with mere dollars in his checking account. A man with no tattoos on his spirit. A more vulnerable, giving man who is more polished, self-aware, fearless and unapologetic. A man who is funny sometimes — a man who is letting his beard grow in for the first time because She likes it. A man with the edge that he spent 6 painful years writing about before the book was published. I’m excited to bring this man to you on a regular basis. I’m all in.

Thank you for continuing to support me and please do share.

Anticipate me.

~CK

 

 

 

Pretty Girls Poop — an excerpt from “The Book of G.A.M.E.”

Chapter 5: Pretty Girls Poop

A WOMAN’S TRUE COLORS—FIFTY SHADES OF BROWN

A pretty girl may never show her true colors, especially when she first starts courting someone. A woman’s bowels in my opinion, are the most resilient force on the planet. If a lady is seeing 
someone who she deems special, she’ll hold her numero dos for over a year. The instant that a man leaves the house for any reason, the damsel will blitz the bathroom like a linebacker to a pass play. 

(This chapter reminds men that regardless of the amount of beauty a damsel possesses, she is still a human being — so she need not be feared. This will enhance confidence — minimize rejection — and make the world a better venue.)

Charles Kellam
The Book of G.A.M.E. (Getting a Major Edge)

Available on Amazon

Get Happiness in only 196 pages~

Get happiness in only 196 pages~

At last! The cure for anyone who has ever had relationship problems…

The Book of G.A.M.E. takes the game that has long been a household name – reinvents it, and makes it his own – G.A.M.E. is now an acronym for Getting a Major Edge. This is The Universal Handbook of Dating and Life that is just as relevant as it is effective. A self help/happiness/dating humor piece, it rebuilds men from scratch and gives damsels insight on what to expect from a man with edge. Covering the importance of fashion, confidence, chivalry, and many other overlooked blunders, the author, stand-up comedian, and humanitarian breaks the mold of what’s been done before and builds a much better one. Painfully honest, yet refreshing- the goods are here – with the author’s raw personal accounts spawned from travels, his entertainment career, and dating. The author is a polymath when it comes to dating & life and it shows through the pages. His fearless and avant-garde approach of courting will reshape relationships as we know it. This book is one of one. Quotes from The Book of G.A.M.E. include:

• “A damsel judges a man in the first 2 seconds based on his shoes.”
•  “There’s no cure for the insecure person”
• “Everything you want to know about a damsel, you can learn from her feet.”

Tongue-in-cheek, raw, and inventive, Charles Kellam introduces a brand new way of thinking. His interactive voice will lure you in, entertain, and enlighten you. The Book of G.A.M.E. is also funny – a powerful and refreshing dating tool that will be a conversation piece for years to come.

www.amazon.com/author/charleskellam

Pretty Girls Poop.

Please believe, that I did everything in my power to avoid this issue.

Well, almost everything. After having a deep talk with one of my dear comrades, I found it necessary.  He actually inspired the title that you hate that you love.

Pretty girls poop!

I’m not too keen on it.

I don’t like it.

And to be quite frank with you, I still don’t fully accept it.

And I know what you’re probably thinking:

“It’s 2013. Get over it!”

But I’m not over it, so I implore you to get over the fact that I’m just not over it yet.

These are my thoughts~

I put Damsels on a pedestal.  Even the ones who don’t deserve it.

I guess you can say, I’m a female chauvinist, if you will.

My Mother raised me, so she was like a God to me.

Therefore.

I look up to women.

I treasure their existence.

I admire them.

Again, even the ones who don’t deserve it.

So just the mere fact in knowing that Damsels defecate troubles me.

It humanizes them in a way that I’m not really comfortable with.

But that’s just me.

And as much as I despise this harsh reality, I realize the bigger picture.

G.A.M.E. can be improved significantly if men took the time to realize that Pretty Girls have to visit the porcelain every now and again.  Depending on how you look at it, we can turn the feces into fertilizer.  And some men just don’t see it this way yet.  That’s why I’m here…

SOAPBOX

 

Every man in the world, including myself, has seen that Damsel that was so beautiful, it made him quiver.

Made him nearly sh*t himself…at least once.  I know I have.

Why?

Because true beauty is nerve-wracking and scary.

(And by beauty, I mean whatever you perceive as such.)

When people get nervous, their bowels start doing peculiar things.

It doesn’t matter if you celebrate Ramadan, on your 9^th day of fasting; matter will find it’s way to your tail feather if you’re nervous.  Bottom line.

So back to my Soapbox…

There was a girl named Nia quite a few yesterdays ago.

Nia. Was. Everything.

She & I lived on the same street, her about 6 houses down.

I don’t know what it was about this girl that wrapped my stomach in knots when I saw her; but somehow, she was successful at it every time.

So what did I finally do?

I did what every young handsome boy with raging hormones does whenever he sees a girl he likes:

I ran.

I fled the scene immediately, like clockwork.

I would go back to the comfort of my living room and spectate her glory from the mini blinds.

This was way before the Book of G.A.M.E. even came out.

I was G.A.M.E.-less

Even my father’s continuous pep talks couldn’t get me to overcome these emotional hurdles I was hurdling…fear that she would reject me.

If I knew then

what I know now, Nia would’ve been in the bag.

Turns out that I put her on such a high pedestal, that I was unable to reach her myself. And that was my own doing.

Comrades, be confident.  Please.  A Damsel at the end of the day, is a human being at the beginning of the day.  Confidence is everything.  You need to understand that rejection is always a possibility, even for the Damsel that makes you nervous.  G.A.M.E. is a mechanism designed to help you minimize these rejections.  Never be too afraid to approach what you think may be a shot at something real.  Pedestals are for Bronze, Silver, and Gold Medalists.  But if you happen to accidentally place her up there real high…

Bring her back down!

You can simply do so by just remembering, that Pretty Girls do it too.

 

 

Ex and the City.

“After a break-up, certain street, locations, even times of day are off-limits. The city becomes a deserted battlefield, loaded with emotional landmines. You have to be very careful where you step or you could be blown to pieces.” ~Carrie Bradshaw (Sex & The City)

I’m an avid fan of “Sex & The City.” Always was. Although, I wasn’t particularly pleased with the direction they chose with the second installment of the movie. Quite frankly, I sincerely hope that they end it there; I really can’t bear to hear another over-the-top “Churchy” rendition by Jennifer Hudson. But that’s neither here nor there…

I want you to Get a Major Edge (G.A.M.E.) and I stole the quote from Carrie because I think that it has all the necessary vitamins and minerals to help you do so. Every relationship has an expiration date. It’s up to you and your mate to preserve its contents as best as you can. Just know that when that expiration date becomes today, the “emotional landmines” are coming. Look out for them. If you know where they are, you can avoid them at all costs and spare yourself the casualty. Who has time for that anyway? Life goes on and it will gladly leave you if you allow it. I now have the honor in saying that I can speak from personal experience. When my ex-damsel and I were in the apex of our relationship, ….

……..WE PAINTED THE TOWN RED (*Soapbox)

She and I did much more than watch “Sex & the City” DVDs all day.

WE. PAINTED. THE. TOWN. RED.

Literally.

For those of you who are not familiar with such idioms, it basically means that she and I did everything together.

Horseback riding in Lake Tahoe, Rode tricycles over the Golden Gate Bridge, Sinned for beads in New Orleans, Walked the dog

at the Grand Canyon, Ate some overrated Chicago-Style pizza in Chicago. We did everything together! As a couple, “boring”

would never define this. I can say that much. We kept each other on our toes. (That basically just means we were

unpredictable.) Alright, I’m being a smart-ass now. But any who, we became restaurant connoisseurs, saw where they were

going on the travel channel and booked flights there for the hell of it. You get the point. We

had fun.

But feces happened.

>>>>> FAST FORWARD A YEAR LATER >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Next thing you know, I was single in the city, broken, and with nothing to do because everything that I can possibly think of (including breathing) reminds me of things I used to do with the ex-damsel.

For months, I fought this phenomenon. Trying to escape the inevitable. Cutting out places that we used to go, ordering and cooking different dishes other than the ones she used to love. Skipping the sad love songs that I used to enjoy. I was kidding myself. A one man army in an emotional battlefield. For almost a year, I told myself that I could sever all ties with her completely. What I ended up doing naturally was depriving myself of life~ in other words, there’s a lot of things that I used to do and loved doing prior to my ex. When my ex came, I invited her into my life whole-heartedly. So the things I enjoyed, we now both enjoyed. But when my ex went, I associated those things as “our” things instead of realizing the bigger picture. Life exists before and after an Ex.

In fact, “Ex” are the first two letters of “Exist.”

I can go anywhere in the world now and be confident in my decisions. No corner of God’s green land is off limits….including: Old faves that my ex and I used to enjoy in the city. Of course, the passenger is different, and I am pleased with that. It’s as if the landmines never existed in the first place.

Keep your “Edge” and your next courtship will be a lot safer emotionally and physically. A lot more appropriate

G.A.M.E.

You have to brace the possibility that the days of you and your mate might be numbered.

If/When it does, it may feel like you’re just borrowing a small piece of land on a huge field of emotional landmines. But don’t feel that way. Embrace them as a positive. Use them as a constant reminder that your man (or damsel) was most likely leading you to disaster.

If you were blown into smithereens

you’ll still make it.

All you can do is pick yourself up piece by piece. Just be sure to build stronger next time. You can still listen to those Brian McKnight and Coldplay albums and enjoy the music for what it is. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Your G.A.M.E. won’t be either. Eventually, you’ll fall in love with the city again and what it has to offer. Don’t be foolish. It’ll take time to get your city back, I know. I’m not perfect, if you can believe it. It took me a little time also. Take Salmon, for instance.

Salmon

was my ex damsel’s favorite food.

I can’t lie, I dodged salmon meals for a little while after the break up because it reminded me of her.

But now I don’t turn it down if it’s available.

I would be cuckoo to do so. Salmon is delicious.
Not to mention, packed with omega-3 fatty acids.

You have to acknowledge that there’s a plethora of other choices out there for you: Red Snapper, Barramundi, and so on. So why chase the Salmon? An old proverb from my Grandmother and as corny as it sounds, quite accurate: “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” You go fishing and get so caught up on catching a salmon that you miss out on the Whale….the real catch. Keep your mind and heart open to receive greatness.
And don’t start getting all juicy-eyed when Brian McKnight’s “one last cry” comes on. Relax. It’s just a song.

Your comments and subscriptions are much appreciated.

G.A.M.E. is a learning community.

~

Beware of the Carpenter.

Jesus was a carpenter.

But HE was perfect.
We’re not.

Besides, I’m talking about something different…

Beware of the Carpenter

Beware of the Carpenter because carpenters “put walls up.”

They do other things, too.  But let’s lay the groundwork first.  Yes, pun intended.

Now, I’m going to break this down in the most simplest, forthright, candid, plainest, all-american ham and cheese sandwich way possible:

You ever meet a damsel/man for the first time?……

Y’all hit it off appropriately

Chemistry amazing

Love at first sight (if you believe in that)

Decide to go on a date

Date

More chemistry

Hydrogen & Oxygen

Everything felt pure like water.

But something changed.

Maybe the water flowed too heavily and in the midst of it all, someone drifted away…

You would like to see more of your date but you’re unaware that s/he has all of a sudden become preoccupied.

*Cell Phone Rings*

Man: Hello

Damsel: Hey!!!

Man: Hey (notice the absence of exclamation point usage. Meaning: lack of enthusiasm)

Damsel: I want to see you!

Man: Oh, really (take notice again..)

Damsel: Can I come over tonight?

Man: Well, I’m really tired. (It’s 6:05pm.) I still have to wrap up some files for a briefing tomorrow, go to the gym, clean the house.  By the time I do all that, I will be exhausted.  Plus, I have an early morning tomorrow.  I have to wake up at 3:30am to do my laundry, it’s expected to be crazy traffic because of daylight savings time, then it’s street cleaning so I have to move my work van.

To the damsel reading this,

That man just put a “wall” up on you.  Not only A wall, but multiple ones.  More than five even.

Wall (n.) {Wawl} ~ A stated thought or action used as a barrier by a man or damsel to passively deter or avoid unwanted company or physical companionship.

2. The cowardly approach of saying “I’m not interested.” 

3. A means of tactfully changing the subject

He is a bona fide Carpenter.

And I’m not talking about his real job.

I’m talking about his character as a person.

Always..

..look for the early warning signs while dealing with Carpenters.

Only you can determine if you have the patience to deal with hurdles and the upset.

To some degree, the chase makes it fun, yes.  It’s a natural part of the G.A.M.E.

But too many walls might only make you wish that you had some windows.

At least with windows, you can see through them, or possibly escape if necessary.

Beware of the Carpenter.
(Oh, and subscribe to this)

Times are changing~

If only G.A.M.E. were more like energy…
Energy can neither be created nor destroyed.
G.A.M.E. can undoubtedly be created, and has most certainly been destroyed.

Do you know why?

They don’t make men like they used to.
Simple and plain.

Times are changing~

30 is the new 29. And ladies are the new man. Men in general have turned into an impressionable and insecure species with no identity. Poor parenting or lack thereof, media outlets, entertainment, pop culture, etc. has attributed to our failing as a whole. I’m not here to make excuses, so I won’t. It has become socially acceptable for men to take on the traits of a damsel. There’s always exceptions to every rule, of course. Where did we drop the ball?

I’m on my soapbox:
I’m in Macy’s. On this particular day, I decided to treat myself to a new fragrance. I ended up going with ‘Legend, by Mont Blanc’. But prior to that, my shopping experience was real shaky. It’s been eons since I’ve been cologne shopping and I have everything so I really didn’t need another. But you can never have enough a young damsel once taught me… So I’m back now for the first time in years and I noticed that all of the bottle designs for men have become increasingly feminine. I thought to myself, that’s because damsels buy and men only sit at home at play sports, right?

Shut up!

But I guess it’s like dog treats…..they put bacon on the packaging to market to the humans. Dogs don’t give a lovemaking what bacon looks like. Any respectable pup should have never even tasted bacon. But it’s the owner making the final decision. So back to the cologne~ not only were the bottles feminine, a lot of the fragrances were distinctly soft and unacceptably sweet. On more than 3 occasions I had to look at the bottle and ask “is this still the men’s section?”

The rep would kindly reply,
Yes sir, but this item is unisex.
A clear copout.
Case in point.

Everything has become “unisex.”

As a whole, the way men dress, walk, speak, and carry themselves has demonstrated a terrible compromise in swagger and bravado.

The things that are destroying manhood:
~Pastel scarfs in the spring or summer time
~Boots with a tall heal on them
~Handbags
~Pants so skinny that men have to peel them off at night. (If they’re inside out when they come off, they’re way to skinny.)

I see “couples” walking down the street all the time in Los Angeles. From behind, you can’t tell the man and damsel apart anymore. I swear to Bob.

I will be responsible for reinstalling G.A.M.E. in men. Creating that good energy.

Comrades,
Be confident.
Be masculine, if applicable.
Be yourself.

Don’t think outside the box, DO outside the box.
Please destroy everything you’re doing.
Don’t walk up to a beautiful damsel and say, you are so beautiful.
Calling a beautiful woman “beautiful” does not impress her.

Why?

Would you walk up to a baseball player on the field and say, hey, you play baseball.

It’s boring. It’s trite. It’s lazy. It’s supercilious.

The beautiful damsel hears that she’s “beautiful” too often. Your words are not compliments. If nothing else, they sicken her.

I’m done writing for now.

How much did you miss me?

Comrade, pardon my brief absence from The Book of G.A.M.E.

I myself was jumping the emotional hurdles of life, and my G.A.M.E. was temporarily distorted……if you can believe it.  I’m a human being first and one thing that has shaped me as a man and an artist is adversity. Pure gold is to be tried by fire first. With that being said, the flames are behind me.

I’ve got a lot of positive information to share for the blog and upcoming book release. New post in the next 24 hours entitled “Times are changing.”  Stay tuned. Be fed.

~The Philly Cat!

please pardon…

The Book of G.A.M.E. blog is under intellectual construction. Currently, I’m putting the eBook together for your viewing pleasure.

Please pardon the delay, comrade.

~The Philly Cat!